So I’ve decided to do something a little different this time around. I’m currently going through a James Bond kick since the passing of Roger Moore and I thought it would be appropriate to rank the title tracks to each movie. Sure, it’s not metal. In fact only four songs brush with hard rock. And many tracks are pop ballads. But it’s good to break out of the norm every once in a while. And just because a song isn’t metal doesn’t mean it isn’t kick ass in other ways. And there are plenty of kick ass Bond songs. So here’s the list starting from #25 and done in five parts (Yes, I included ‘Never Say Never’ again despite it’s removal from the James Bond canon).
25. Die Another Day – Madonna
A terrible song, a terrible movie. I don’t even recognize this as a Bond film. It’s the 20th movie in the franchise and the studio tried way too hard to make something special. The film ends up becoming a parody of itself. It’s basically the Diamonds are Forever plot mixed in with unrealistic skin therapy and an ice castle. Why Bond why? Also, auto-tune in a Bond theme? Good lord it’s a Bond song!! It’s no wonder really. It goes perfectly with a film so bad that it forced MGM to reboot the series four years later.
24. Never Say Never Again – Lani Hall
Kind of a different track for what is certainly the most out of place Bond film. What’s a coincidence is that the plot is basically the same as Thunderball (the film below). Except in this film you can see Connery’s toupee line really well. The main villain is even a descendant of Emilio Largo. This film however, doesn’t really have an opening title track sequence. The song is simply fit into the opening credits as Bond goes through a training course. More like a traditional film as opposed to a Bond film. I will say this, the chorus is quite catchy. And the song is a glimpse into a Connery Bond mood in the 80’s.
23. Thunderball – Tom Jones
I’m frankly not much of a fan of the Tom Jones style of crooning that was so popular at the time. Even though Jones was a total bad ass. This song in particular I feel is a boring as the movie. I know it’s a Connery Bond. And I know a ton of people who love the under water battle at the end. But honestly, the Jamaican location and water theme slow down the feel of the film to a crawl. And that’s how the title track is. A slow, boring, crawl of a song to accommodate a slow, boring film. I will say this though; it is an appropriate sounding track.
22. For Your Eyes Only – Sheena Easton
It was a huge hit. Peaking at #4 on the US charts, it’s one of the most successful of the Bond songs. So why is it at #22? Because it’s so freaking cheesy that you can taste it. And it doesn’t go with the mood of the film at all. Which is a shame because it’s one of the strongest plots in the entire series. For Your Eyes Only was a return to the serious Bond that handles real world problems after the failed Moonraker. The title of the film refers to the statement on every top secret documents sealing. They should have done a song that goes with that theme rather than the metaphorical ‘only you can look at my naked body’ bullshit. Fun fact, it’s the first and only title sequence to feature the artist.
21. Tomorrow Never Dies – Sheryl Crow
A spectacular film, an average at best song. The songs bi-polar musical nature contradicts itself. It starts out in a progressive rock fashion before modulating into a predictable 90’s alternative piece. It was after all 1997 and this song is a perfect example of the late 90’s alternative scene. Which by the way at this point had become a little bastardized. Just like any other successful popular trend. It’s not a bad by any means, but it also fails to jump off of the speakers and do the film justice. Plus, Crow’s throaty, almost punk like style of singing just isn’t appealing in this forum. Like I said though, a terrific bond film. Incredible opening scene. One of the best in the catalog.
20. The Man With The Golden Gun – Lulu
This song is actually somewhat of a rocker. It’s a fast paced track for a fast paced movie. And the music itself is quite good. The issue? Vocally and lyrically, it’s one of the most annoying songs ever written. Plus, it’s horrible attempt at sexual innuendoes goes far beyond innuendo and into the realm of literal meaning. ‘He comes just before the kill’. Well, we all know what that means. It’s a cringe worthy line. Also, Lulu’s vocal influx when she sings the title line is almost as brutal as hearing fingernails on a chalk board. They should have stuck with Alice Cooper. Great movie though and one of Roger Moore’s best performances. Unfortunately it’s one of the only Bond films to truly bomb at the box office.
There they are. The bottom five James Bond title theme songs. Many more to come. What are some of your favorite or least favorite Bond songs?
To begin with, no criticism of the Bond canon should ever include anything Thunderball related in the bottom five. The movie is a Bond classic. It’s peak Connery, Tom Jones is a classic performer, the music is composed by one of the all time greats, the definer of Bond scores, John Barry, and the title track pretty much lays out what a Bond song should sound like.
Next, there is no way anything but the insipid “All Time High” featuring Rita Coolidge, can be last on any list of worst Bond themes. You’re not wrong by listing “Never Say Never Again” next to last but it’s not really part of the official Bond releases. If you include it, you need to include “Casino Royale” on the list. And, actually, that would be worth it for such a great tune.
Oh and yeah, “Man With The Golden Gun” is pretty lame. But Sheryl Crow? Not in my world. Terrible film, yeah, but the Crow tune is just fine.
Do you really think that Connery’s performance in Thunderball is better than From Russia With Love and Goldfinger? He’s sleepwalking throughout the film. I think that ‘Goldfinger’ is way more of a definitive Bond title track. And John Barry already nailed it in From Russia With Love, a Bond film that’s a true thriller. And I don’t hate the Crow tune but terrible movie? It’s one of the best in the entire catalog. A classic Bond feel updated for the next generation. And the plot rockets.